Goodbye
by AngstRiddenTeenager
Summary: On last week's premire, Carter left to go back due to Kovach's 'death'. Why did he really go back? Abby and Carter have a conversation about why he is going back. season 10 spoilers...Please readreview.


Just pretend for a moment that Carter and Abby got the chance to really talk before he left after hearing the news about Kovach.  
  
Abby Lockhart watched as John Carter hurriedly threw various medicals supplies in the large black duffel bag.  
  
"Why are you doing this? Why are you going back?" She asked, concerned.  
  
"I just left him there. It's my fault."  
  
"It is not your fault, John, you did not know what was going to happen!"  
  
He turned towards her as he zipped up the bag, "You know what I see every time I close my eyes?"  
  
She looked at him confused as to what it had to do with anything. She said nothing.  
  
"I see Lucy laying on the floor bleeding to death . . ."  
  
"Oh, John." She said in a whisper.  
  
". . . and knowing that I could have saved her."  
  
"You didn't know John, you weren't the one that stabbed her. That deranged student . . ."  
  
"Paul Sobriki," He started, the name and image of the man frozen in his mind.  
  
"I might as well have done it myself. If I had just listened to her instead of ignoring her, she would be here. She's not and that is on me."  
  
"You did not know he was going to hurt her."  
  
"Do you know what it was like to have to look her mother straight in the eyes and tell her that it did not hurt to have a knife stabbed into your back?"  
  
He continued in a sarcastic tone, "Oh, no, Ms. Knight, it was enjoyable to be stabbed in the back. And while Lucy was laying on the floor in a pool of her own blood, she was just dandy!"  
  
Abby was silent. She had never seen John like this. And she suddenly saw the pain the depths of his eyes. She had seen it in flashes before but had ignored it as just a product of her imagination. But it was written all over him now and she could not ignore it anymore.  
  
"You wanted to make her mother feel better. She was grieving and you were just trying . . ."  
  
"To make myself feel less guilty. Well it didn't work."  
  
"Going back will not help Lucy or Luka."  
  
"Well, fine. You can look at this as some purely selfish endeavor. But I am not going to allow him to lay in a pool of his own blood and think that nobody cares he is there."  
  
"He's already gone, John, so is she. He's not Lucy!" She screamed.  
  
"You know the last thing I said to Lucy?" He demanded.  
  
"John, it doesn't matter."  
  
"I was yelling at her. "  
  
"She knows you didn't mean it."  
  
"I did. I meant every word. Because I am a jerk. The entire time she was my student I was an ass. You know why, Abby?"  
  
"No, I don't."  
  
"Because I could not be with her. She was my student and I was her teacher. I had the chance and I pushed her away because I did not want to risk my career."  
  
"You made a choice, John. You love being a doctor, no one would blame you for making the choice that you did."  
  
"I did not know that it would be our only chance . . . I did not know that I would wake up and realize that being a doctor did not matter to me anymore."  
  
"What are you talking about? You love being a doctor."  
  
"I haven't wanted to be a doctor since that night I woke up and saw the look in Benton's eyes when I asked him how she was. I realized then that what I had dedicated my life to, being a doctor, had let me down. That of all the people we save within the walls of this hospital, Paul Sobriki got to live and Lucy died. If there was any justice in this world then she would be alive and he would be rotting in hell."  
  
Suddenly, Abby realized why her relationship with Carter had not worked out. The entire time he had been in love with Lucy. He had been suffering inside and had not been able to express it to her.  
  
"Going back over there will not bring her back."  
  
He ignored her and picked up the bag and left. She chased him out into the street and watched him walk away. She knew not to chase after him because she knew that she could not stop him. It was something he had to do. She only hoped he wouldn't kill himself in the process. She did not know if she could survive if something happened to him. 


End file.
